I was on my roof, in Surulere and the night idled by. There was no particular thought on my mind. Just clutter from everything and nothing. I'd had a rough couple of weeks and it seemed, at last, that I was happening upon a bit of a resolution.
Jude was going to be there in a bit. Jude was the designated driver. We were going to catch the movie, Deadpool, finally.
We meant to see it earlier. But in life the big things tend to bully the little things to the background. And there'd been a lot of big things lately. The sort that had you deep in the throes of realism, spiralling like little sheets of timber beneath a smoothening plane. I was being formed into an adult, prosaic as it sounds.
I saw the headlights first, pulling into the street. It was his dads car, but he drove it like it was his, slowly, gently, like a calm wave. He stepped out of the car and I stepped to him.The usual ritual ensued.
Side hugs; small talk; grunts and we were off. There was little to no discussion as we drove. We picked Wole up about a quarter of an hour later, and with him, came life.
LAST NIGHT was AWESOME! He said slapping us both on the shoulder and bouncing on the back seat, then he wrapped his hands around Judes neck as a mock hug. You were right man, Judith was fronting this whole time, and there I was about to call it quits as usual, and there YOU were being the voice of reason AS ALWAYS, thanks bro!
Wole always spoke like the comic relief character of a sitcom, with an exaggerated stress on certain words. He didn't grow up around these parts.
Jude started the car; turned to look at me, said ; at least one of us has been having some fun, and with that we hit the road again, nothing was going to get between us and that movie.
The police.
They stopped us about a quarter of a mile later, close to the National stadium. Kunle flashed them the requisite qualifications of a driver but they asked us to come down anyway. As though the gathering of three testosterone fuelled men in a moving vehicle was a crime in itself.
A cross examination ensued.
No, it wasn't his car.
Yes, his father was aware.
Yes, they could open the boot.
No, there was nothing in the suitcase.
Except there was. We all gathered round and stood shocked as we peered into a bag full of cash. Immediately it played out in my mind. Judes dad was just back from a busy business trip. He was weary and forgetful so that when Jude asked for the car keys, he just tossed them over. Now there we were with thousand naira notes faced with the insurmountable task of convincing the Nigerian police the money wasn't stolen.
It was all an act.
All three of us knew we'd have better luck trying to convince a mountain to move with sign language. In both cases we'd be dealing with dumb rocks, only these particular rocks were particular about money which was in particular high supply, particularly in our trunk.
I managed to smack Jude on the head before they slipped the handcuffs on and led us away to the back of their van.
There went the resolutions I was happening upon.
We drove for a while, like criminals at the back of the van. We drove in silence, as though the suitcase were some form of gravity that permitted no lips to part. Finally the bulky one, the one driving the car spoke up.
Una know say you don enter trouble abi? He said and I nodded at Jude towards Wole.
He was freaking out. Heaving and sighing and heaving and sighing then repeat.
Jude and I looked at eachother, then I said this is
a misunderstanding and you know it. His dads a businessman...
Smack!
The one sitting behind us at the back hit me across the face. All you this small boys of nowadays, una think say na una get this country. He said.
Jude started then, in that low ominous tone of his, like a gate creaking in the dead of night. You will take us to the station, we will fill your statement form. You will keep us locked up, then we will pay for our bail. What you will not do is treat us like criminals before the courts find us guilty!
There was silence then, again, but unlike before it didn't last long.
The two men in front started to chat under their breath. The one seemed to be convincing the other about something.
We soon found ourselves in an abandoned lot.
Oya come down, the one that drove said after he had done the same. Wole, Jude and I got off one after the other. Wole was still jittery.
I looked in all directions, saw no life around. Jude spoke my mind.
What are we doing here?
The bulky one cocked his gun and asked us to move.
My heart pounded, Jude stood up straighter, Woles knees hit the ground.
PLEASE. Wole squealed. Please don't kill us! I swear we've never hurt a fly! Maybe a couple girls, maybe we never tip the bouncers enough. But not this! As he bawled his neck threw his head forward towards the ground like the springs of an old bed.
Jude was about to speak up, but the officer that rode shotgun interjected him. Shut up! He said cocking his own gun. We'll waste you right here! In fact, Sunny, where are we even taking them to again? Make we blast them for here!
NO said wole.
No, the bulky one, Sunny echoed. It needs to look clean.
This is unacceptable, my dad will have you all jailed for this, you better...Jude began but Sunny hit him in the gut with the butt of his AK47.
Shut up, he said through gritted teeth.
Wole who had been sobbing this whole time gave what appeared to be his eulogy. I never hurt a soul, not intentionally at least. I'm a good kid, couple skeletons in my closet, yeah my cupboard looks neat but beneath a few layers of folded clothes, it's scattered, I'm not perfect!
Sunny raised his gun and aimed it at Wole. The shotgun cop aimed his at me. The third one said stop.
Stop, he said again. And Sunny looked at him with a question on his brow. What?
Stop he reiterated. I already called it in, the station is expecting us.
Sunny rolled his eyes and began to pace round. Ohhhh, ode, why nau?
I no know say na wetin we go do be dis nau. He said.
Bassey you don mess up. The other officer from the front seat said.
Jude spoke up again. This means you have to let us go Mr.Sunny. As Mr.Bassey has rightly said, you have to stop, after what you've just pulled off you can't afford to take us to the station either. Best to let us go.
Sunny looked at him, sneer on his face.
With the cash too! Wole said defiantly.
A few minutes later Jude was driving us back to our various homes. There would be no Deadpool for us that night.
"There are many devices in a mans heart; nevertheles, the cpunself of the LORD that shall stand."- King Solomon.
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