What was their fate you ask? Well, I'd become the biggest tease since the invention of the American dream, I enticed and intrigued but never quenched the flames I fuelled.
I was smart about it too, never went for the bad guys.
In fact, I made the bad guys. I don't buy into the thought that all guys are the same, but they all react uniformly. In the face of rejection they walk away whimpering with their tail between their legs, till their friends and shame goad them into becoming the big bad wolf looking for a red riding hood to devour.
I didn't need to be thrashy to do it either, I could never pull off the Rihanna good girl gone bad niche, but, it turns out guys are as attracted to bad as they are to innocent. They seem hardwired to chase what's easy and what's possible, and I seemed all too possible, but it was always a dead end.
In fact there was this one guy whose initial intention was to hook me up with his brother, but I ensnared him and by the time I was done he spiraled down a self destructive path of prostitutes, aids and ultimately death.
Yes, I felt guilty about it.
The entire campus was in shock, and even the non-church going hedonists were compelled to stay chaste for a month or two. Only very few knew I was involved, but it was enough to get me to change
So I hit the scriptures hard as one must do when the devil you wish to escape is you. It wasn’t easy, but overtime the fire breathing butterfly became a grass eating caterpillar and it was the brand new me that my husband Austin Ashton met and married.
Austins the perfect man, tall dark and handsome, God fearing, hardworking and faithful, I thanked God that not only had he delivered me from myself, but he had also found the time to favour me, I was really ontop of the world.
It was the eve of our one year anniversary, We were sitted on the veranda, I was on his lap staring up at the moon with my head being carried by the rise and fall of his chest. After a few moments-perfect, out of fairytale moments-I broke the silence.
‘Whats wrong?”I asked, biting my lower lip and caressing my ring-The perfect picture of a doting, submissive wife.
“What do you mean?” Austin replied.
“Well you’ve got on that look.”
“What look?” He asked
‘’That wistful look that says your'e thinking about something important.” I said.
“Wistful look ke, what am I Cinderella? I don’t have that look. Besides, you can't even see my face.”
“Of course I can.” I said and interlocked our fingers.”Always.’"
He felt the gravity of my words, and was quiet for a moment. Then finally said “I just don’t want us to become one of those couples who ten years down the line aren’t able to talk anymore, or even enjoy the silence together, like we did just now." He said softly and buried his face in my neck. I turned to face him.
“You know, we can always talk about anything.”
“Really?” He asked playfully.
‘Really.’’ I said with all sincerity.
“Even..” He began tentatively. “Even the guys from your old life?”
“I already told you about that.” I said a bit put off.
“Yeah, in generalizations. When I married you, but when I married you, I married every bit of you, even the viscious temptress you have buried 6 feet under. It just feels like it was a pivotal time in your life, and I'm not a part of it.”
“I played on peoples emotions, that doesn’t seem like the kind of thing you want to share in a lifelong commitment such as marriage.”
“I just, want to understand darling, at least give me names, let me know what to look for in your contact list.” He quipped and we both shared a hearty laugh, and just like that, the air was cleared, and my lips loosed.
“Well after the thing with Remi, I met a guy called Dare during clearance. He was all helpful and I went from being grateful to being suggestive. It didn’t take very long before he started going the extra mile, doing all my photocopying and printing, the stuff fellowships do during CTY. I took advantage of the favours, batted my eyelashes, maybe a peck on the chick, and then when clearance was over, that was it. We were in different departments and hemust'vee called like a million times the first two months but I never picked.” I said and saw that no judgement stood in Austins eyes. So I pressed on. “Next was Tola, very fine boy, but he had a stutter so he was really shy, he was isolated and vulnerable, and he practically took care of all my 100 level assignments and projects. Then there was Wole…”
“I'm starting to notice a pattern here.” Austin said smiling. “You have a thing for Yoruba guys, no wonder you married me.”
“No, that wasn’t it, after all that wrong doing I just felt a bit of charity was in order for your people.” I teased and he chuckled.
“Continue.” He said.
“After Wole there was Charles-who is not Yoruba by the way. I think he works at a law firm now…”
“Oh so you keep tabs on them.” Austin said melodramatically and I giggled.
“Then there was...then there was Justin Jegede, also known as JJ…” I paused to heave regrettably. “You know, the one who…”
“Yeah.” Austin said sympathetically. “A real man wouldn’t let anything change him .”
“That doesn’t make me feel better Austin.” I said and got of his lap to go sulk in the room.
“Hey, hey, hey.” He said and got up after me. I'm not judging.”
‘And why not!” I screamed , turning around. “He died Austin!”I continued as tears brimmed in my eyes. “He died and here I am living my perfect little life.” I said and Austin caught me in his arms as I crumbled to the ground.It's okay.” He said, cradling me in his arms. “God has forgiven you.”
“I know, but if I'm forgiven, why do I feel so guilty? I try to hide it, but I wake up every morning feeling like I don’t deserve to live, and I go to sleep wishing I wouldn’t wake up, because I feel like I deserve to be punished...” I said amidst my sobs.
“It's okay honey, you were young and…”
“Stop trying to justify what I did!” I said in a deluge of tears.
“I'm not honey. I'm just saying, God's forgiven you, Justins family too. It's time you forgave yourself.”
And that was it folks, I realised with those words that I hadn’t been allowing myself to enjoy my new life in Christ, because I was still pointing a finger at myself. Self condemnation is a subtle form of self righteousness which is an overt from of pride, because if Jesus has washed away your iniquity, then who are you to not forgive you?
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